I have been a fan a very long time. I have seen the best of times and the worst of times when it comes to the anime phenomenon in America. I have seen new generations of fans spring up every few years, bolstered by the explosion of anime available on television, for retail purchase, in movie theaters, and over the internet. I am now 32 years old, an “oldfag” to most of you whipper-snappers, and I like to think that as I have matured, so have my tastes in anime and in anime fandom. In the beginning I was much like the rest of you. I watched everything, even the shit, proclaiming it was better than anything the West had ever produced. I collected wall scrolls, and figurines, and whatever anime related materials I could. I went to conventions and cosplayed and sat in on panels and sang karaoke and did all kinds of other fun stuff. Generally, I acted like what I have observed most young fans act like. These days are a little different. I still go to conventions and I still watch tons of new material, but now I write about it and have wonderful intellectual discussions about it. I know a few people in the industry who have remained friends over the years. I enjoy anime fandom on a different level than I did before.
But you know what hasn’t changed? Idiot fans and the shit they do that pisses me off. In my 20 years of fandom, I have seen it all. I became so jaded and cynical towards fans that I created this monicker, the Typical Idiot Fan, to express my displeasure. I have had this name now for a very long time, and I will continue to have it so long as anime fans continue to be really fucking stupid. But my silent disapproval of everything Western otaku wasn’t doing much good, so I decided to try out this blogging thing and kick some folks in the balls. At the beginning of this year, every anime blog did a “Decade List” of some sort to commemorate the beginning of 2010. As my belated contribution to the Decade List craze, split into two parts, I will go over with you the top 10 things about anime fans that just pisses me the fuck off. I’m sure most of you will know about each and every one of these items. Hopefully, some of you will take this to heart and realize that maybe there’s something you can do to help change it, even if the change is just yourself. But since I know how fans are, especially you faggot internet fans, I expect shitstorm. Oh well, either way it should be a lot of fun!
10. Spoiled Rotten Brats – Back in the old days, back before this whole internet thing took off, we were lucky to get a third generation VHS copy from a scratched-up-to-all-hell laserdisc. Didn’t like the quality? Too fucking bad. You got what you got. Didn’t like the fansubs? Too fucking bad. You got what you got. You have a Betamax player instead? Get the fuck out.
But you little annoying bitches have quality coming out your assholes. HD-DVD recorded shows are just a click of a button away, played on monstrously powerful computers and displayed on flat-screen plasma or LCD monitors that make the highest quality tube televisions look like shit. Speed-sub groups can deliver an .ass file or a softsub in a matter of hours, while others can acquire some top professional looking works with the patience to way a day or so. Didn’t want that in AVI format? Even if one group wont deliver the MKV you’re frothing for, another will.
The question is why? It is because you faggots have come to expect it. Fansub Group A doesn’t use the file format that I want for MY anime? FLAME THOSE FAGGOTS! How dare they not provide both h264 AND XviD files! Is this a mistranslation 3 minutes and 42 seconds into the show?! GG / CoalGuys is using troll subs again!! No karaoke WITH kanji / hiragana / katakana characters? Translators notes?! It has taken TWO WHOLE DAYS for fansubs to come out for the latest episode of some obscure title that nobody likes but me? RAGE!
Get the fuck over yourselves. You have become a pack of rabid, annoying, entitlement whores. The people who provide you with your daily fix don’t owe you shit. It is not as if they’re making any damned money doing this. Yet, for some reason, you all feel that you have the right to be… I don’t know… CONSUMERS about this. Knock it the fuck off, jackasses. Feel happy for what you got, enjoy the show, and shut the fuck up.
Oh, and by the way:
9. Pussy Whipped Fansub Groups – Quit kowtowing to every demand that the above group of faggots can come up with. You didn’t do a MKV file and someone is demanding it? Tell them to go fuck themselves. Don’t want to do karaoke? Don’t! Forget what the translation is for sagashite? Well, you suck, but you still don’t have to answer to me or any of the millions of jackass fanboys and fangirls that have no idea what it means either. Oh, and GG / CoalGuys? Knock off the fucking troll subs. Seriously, all the love in the world and thanks for the shit you deliver, but you fucking suck.
8. People STILL Doing the Dub vs. Sub Debate – DVDs were supposed to be the greatest thing ever invented for anime fans. They can provide image and sound quality recordings that blew the competition away. They could hold gigabytes and gigabytes of information. They could transfer information faster than any previous recordable media. And they allowed for multiple language encoding so that we could all have our Japanese language and English language formats on the same disc. That way, everybody could be happy. The purist fags could have their glorious Japanese language dubs while the English speakers could enjoy anime in a more familiar tongue. And we would never have to speak of this again!
So why the fuck are we still speaking of this? Was it not enough that we all got to have our ways? Do we still have to involve ourselves in whatever someone else is doing? Does it really bother the purist fags… still… that someone would choose to watch anime in a language other than Japanese? Do you feel the sting of a hot poker riding up your rectum as Steve Blum delivers another one of Spike Spiegel’s lines from Cowboy Bebop? Is this just a hangover effect from the years of unfair treatment by US distribution companies who used to charge more money for original language VHS tapes than the English dubbed VHS tapes?
Whatever I am doing has no direct effect on you, so piss off. I watch a mix of language formats, a lot of the time just for my own entertainment, and sometimes just because I prefer one over the other. Don’t like it? Too damn bad. I don’t want to hear you whine that I am not doing what you prefer to do. This argument no longer has any relevance whatsoever except for certain people on either side to be elitists or trolls or both.
7. Holier Than Thou Fandom – You are not a better fan than me. I am not a better fan than you. The sooner we all learn and understand this, the less annoying the fan base will be. I don’t care if you can tell me every single anime Wakamato Norio has been in. It doesn’t mean you’re a better fan than I am because you can. It just means you know more useless information than I do. You know what I do? If I don’t know, I go look it up on the internet. There’s a reason why we have databases. You are not supposed to be one.
Me not caring for the heavy and deep nuances of Arjuna while you do does not make you a better fan than me. It just means you’re more susceptible to directorial manipulation. Yes, Kwamori Shoji has a lean towards environmentalism; thanks for the info. Like all the faggots who got suckered into the world of Pandora and the plight of the Na’vi by James Cameron, you have been led around by the master of the Three Ringed Leftist Circus. I, on the other hand, don’t give a shit.
6. Narutards / Bleachfags / One-Piece… uh.. Whatevers – This may come as a bit of a shock to the Big Three fans, but there’s more anime out there besides the most popular shounen fighting shit that has gathered 250+ episodes of mostly filler. Some of it is pretty good! If you’d like a place where you can easily find reviews on some other shows, I can recommend a good place to start!
So pack away the Sasuke costume, the Ichigo costume, and the… whatever costume from One Piece people wear. I guarantee that there will still be a huge representation of these characters at your next anime convention. Your own personal unique touch on it will not be missed.
Part B to come.
* * * * *
I can be reached via e-mail at t…@nihonreview.com, comment below, or if you’re feeling froggy, come onto the forum for The Nihon Review and talk about it. No Twitter. Twitter is the stupidest fucking idea I’ve ever seen the internet come up with.