What I Learned By Watching Anime THIS Week! #1

It started so innocently...

Lesson 0.5 - Learning experiences start with such humble beginnings. Kaoru doesn't realize what kind of doom she's bringing upon her homeland.

Last time I did something like this, I flat out admitted that I was phoning it in.  Can you blame me?  Posts like these are usually fairly random and just an excuse for me to not write an entire thesis on a particular scene.  But that shit ain’t happening this time, no sir.  This one’s not only not phoned in, it’s being carried to work personally while riding on the back of a 40 foot tall elephant named “Fuck Yeah”!  Let’s get started.

Japan Loves PDA – Amagami SS+ 7

Okay, maybe I already knew this one, at least on a stereotypical level. In anime, the “dirty old man” or the obvious hentai otaku freak are common, and they’re usually men. This season’s notable exceptions include the pedotastic lesbian Nobara from Inu x Boku SS and one-half of the plot device duo from episodes 6 and 7 of Ano Natsu, Chiharu (or as AC so brilliantly dubbed her, the cast’s “Pepe Le Pew”). Awesome as it is to have a bit of gender equality in the hormone department, these characters are specially designed to be what they are. What about the rest of Japan?

Well, thanks to one of Junichi’s more impressive moments of passive-aggressive sexual coercion, I now know that the allure of two folks swapping spit is a spectacle for men and women of all ages! Let’s break this shit down!

This Guy

Pervert 1 - At first glance, a mild mannered middle aged blue collar worker probably irritated that this vacation was all he could afford between his shitty pay, gambling debts, alimony payments, and a hardcore obsession with MIchael Dukakis collectables. All things considered, a "free show" would probably make all of this worth it.

Perverted Chicks

Perverts 2 and 3 - Michiko and Haruka here, depressed from being unable to launch a new trend with Greco Roman style wristbands, thought that this trip would help. Little did they know that what would transpire next would jeopardizel their mutual "hands off" agreement regarding each other's bodies.

Pervert 4

Pervert 4 - Ken never wanted to be a sixth year college student. He imagined that by this point in his life he would be a second year pet psychologist specializing in overcoming neurosis with interspecies erotica. The last thing he wanted to see was a pair of man-animals sucking face, but when the opportunity presented itself, he just couldn't look away.

Perverts all

Perverts 5, 6, and 7 - Back Left - Katsuhiko Chase, long lost son of that Aussie doctor on "House". Front Left - Rukia Kuchiki in her gigai, desperate for a cameo gig's pay during a long absence from "Bleach". Front Right - Wataru Miyamoto, who is totally incapable of not following along with what everybody else in a crowd is doing. They all have their reasons, and they're all sick, sick, sick.

All of them. ALL OF THEM.

Perverts 7, 8, and 9 - Behind Rukia - Roger Fitzpatrick, over in Japan as part of the JET program and still hasn't realized he got on the wrong damned bus. Far Back Right - Mamoru and Noboru Yamashita, who have believed all their lives that they're twin brothers even though they look nothing alike. The truth is, they have the same mom, but she's a slut. Do the math.

This guy, again.

Thankfully off camera, our blue collar guy has decided to indulge himself at the spectacle. The rest of the bus fails to notice, and not just because there's a full on makeout ession in progrress. Let me put it this way, remember that he's paying alimony to his wife. THERE IS A REASON HE'S DIVORCED.

Back to these two.

Meanwhile, Michiko and Haruka are getting really into this and hoping to God and Xenu (respectively) that these bus seats are both able to hide them and recline for later use (respectively).

Climax!

Completely unable to restrain their mounting anxieties anymore, Michiko, Haruka, Ken, Chase The Younger, Rukia, Wataru, Roger, Mamoru, and Noboru have reached a point where they no longer care about secrecy in their voyeurism. The huffing, the puffing, the grunting, the sweating, and the panting has brought the moment to a fever pitch. Clothing is loosened, hands inch closer and closer to various errogenous zones, the air is beginning to fill with the stink of hot unbroiled passions. The scene is a mere few seconds from turning into the Second Coming of the Orgy Bus... when...!

Oh shit.

...oh shit...

Junichi and Kaoru sucking something other than face.

Normalcy is restored in the face of too much exposure.

No, it isn’t because everybody finally noticed a stupid candy was between their lips, but because all parties collected became aware of themselves. It was all fun and games when it was just yourself or your friend or brother peeping along with you, but when you finally notice a middle aged dude, some half breed from Down Under, or a displaced Shinigami staring along with you, well shit just gets creepy in a hurry. The best part of this scene is that there is no follow up, but here’s what happens: at the rest stop, everybody tidies up, walks off the bus one at a time, without looking at each other, and nobody fucking mentions the event ever again. At least until they’re out of visual range of each other, then all the built up tension explodes in a simultaneous sexual chain reaction that threatened all of Japanese society. The bus tour guide, who doubles as part of the Department of Homeland Decency for Japanese Citizens, witnessed the whole event and easily convinced himself that a pile of packages under a blanket was the duo in question. The truth is that they had to be left behind. For the good of all Japan!

So there you have it.  A clear cut case of social perversion rearing it’s ugly head in a society famed for it’s self control.  One has to wonder what kind of monumental calamity would have befallen the Land of the Rising Sun if Junichi and Kaoru had indeed been engaging in a bit of depravity.  It might, dare I say it, shake the nation more than the Great Japan Earthquake of 2011.  Certainly, it would whip Governor Ishihara in a tizzy that would make Candace jealous.

Yes, we were all spared this week from seeing the near end of eastern civilization.  But, at least now… now we know.  We know what you’re capable of Japan.  I’m going to be watching you.

5 Responses to “What I Learned By Watching Anime THIS Week! #1”

  1. I’m going to find that scene, even though I don’t even watch the series, simply because it sounds hilarious.

  2. Are you implying that spending obscene amounts of money on Michael Dukakis collectables is a bad thing?

  3. Fu, click the link that says “lets break this shit down!”.

    TBG, these are the choices that blue collar workers make. I’m just saying that if you need money for a better vacation…

  4. tl;dr: OH JAPAN

  5. The first photo above – Lesson 0.5 – I believe is from an excellent website or blog for learning Japanese. Anybody help with the name of the site??????????

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