2013 Returned Anime Christmas “Gifts”.

XXX-Mas!

I know what I want for Christmas… oooh yeah that panda…

It happens every year.  December 25th rolls around, and there are presents under the tree.  The family gathers around to give and receive presents from the heart, to demonstrate the spirit of Christmas and to show how much they care about someone.  Most gifts are well received.  Oh, I got that new putter I wanted!  Fourteen packs of Magic the Gathering cards!  The head of that cunt who lives down the street that turned me down for sex all those times!  When a gift is just right, there is nothing more magical.

Occasionally, though, well… to be frank, if it is better to give than receive, then someone needs to remind people that giving requires some brains.  I’m not saying that a complete DVD collection of Warehouse 13 or Malibu Barbie Dolls are necessarily a bad thing, but you really need to know the person you’re giving them to.  Ten year old Debby Jellinsky wanted Ballerina Barbie for Christmas.  You started a chain reaction that would lead to multiple murders, you fool.

Thankfully, the true God worshiped at Christmastime, the almighty dollar, has provided an avenue of retreat for those of us who just don’t get it right the first time.  Many a gift can be returned to the retail store and exchanged for something of equal or lesser value.  This makes everybody happy, and prevents middle aged blonde nannies from trying to murder beloved former TV sitcom families.  Here I explore a few gifts received from the anime and manga industry last year, why they suck and need to be returned, and what I would prefer to get instead.

There was "raping" in there, but it was scribbled out.

“Thinking of You”… … …

Saki raped by Haruto (Valvrave the Liberator)

This repulsive gift came in a rather large and loudly wrapped package. After all, the gift was from Sunrise, one of the most established names in mecha anime goodness; Aniplex, who produce great shows year in and year out; and had some up-and-comers ready to make some waves. Maybe we should have been suspicious when the tag said “Thinking of You”, because I don’t think I would have ever believed that Sunrise was thinking of “me” specifically. I don’t think they’ve even met me before. I know I haven’t met them. But, still, it was a pretty big box, and that usually means “expensive”, so we tore into the wrapping paper eagerly, hoping that we’d get that Xbox One we wanted, or maybe a puppy! Instead, we got this…

Stop fapping you sick fucks.

Valvrave, the system that would expose the truth to the world. What, you expected rape puns? Rape isn’t funny. Unless you rape a clown!

You know, I’d always kind of ignored the jokes about Japan’s rape culture. I mean, sure, I’ve seen it enough in hentai to know that there’s a pretty big fascination with it over there. And, well, there are the jokes; “40 pound box of rape”, “Rape: it’s like saying ‘hello!’ in Japan”, etc. I guess I never really wanted to believe that it would forcefully be entered into a massively hyped television show about mecha. Guess I was wrong. Or maybe I wasn’t. I mean, sure, you could look at Valvrave on the whole and not be surprised as to why it isn’t selling like hot cakes, or you could just sit back and blame the whole thing on a very stupid decision that was forced into the show for shock value. Or both.

Trade in for: An L-Elf Hug Pillow

We know who the OTP is for Haruto this show, and it sure as heck ain’t Shoko. Plus, looking at that kid 200 years in the future, it sure seems like Haruto somehow had L-Elf’s baby, or the other way around. Who knows! They’re magical space vampires!

You were once good!

Note what isn’t pictured…

Kyoto Animation’s experimentation with otaku pandering (Tamako Market, Free!, Kyokai no Kanata)

With tags that said “For the Boys”, “For the Ladies”, and “For the Hell of It”, perhaps we shouldn’t have gotten our hopes up that “Uncle” Kyoto Animation was going to deliver us something special this year. I mean, their 2012 Christmas gift said “For the Kid in You” on the tag, and we know how that turned out. To be fair, the first 2012 gift worked really well, but perhaps that was just because the tag had nothing but question marks on it. Hey, curiosity, y’know?

Anyway, lifting the lid on the first box, we found a second box. Inside of that a third box, then a fifth, and a sixth, until we finally got to a seventh tiny box. We were probably all thinking that the tiny box would contain that ring we’d always wanted. Yes, we would marry you Kyoto Animation! Instead the box contained a small folded up slip of paper saying “IOU: one movie”. Bastards.

The second gift SAID it was “For the Ladies”, but we’ll be damned if we were going to let those bitches have all the fun. Besides, this was still Kyoto Animation we were talking about here. Even a fujoshi pandering piece of yaoi bait could be a masterpiece if they did it. Yeah, we were skeptical, because at the end of the day it was still fujoshi bait, but we tore into that son-of-a-bitch anyway. Inside we found a used speedo that stank of mackerel. God dammit.

By the time we got around to the third gift, I think most of us were fairly dismayed that we weren’t going to get anything decent this year from KA. Still, “For the Hell of It” had an intriguing allure, and supposedly the show was going to be a “dark fantasy”, but… why was it wrapped in pink paper? Some kind of ironic thing, maybe? Well, we opened it anyway, and got a spring-loaded cherry pie in the face. *Sigh*…

Trade in for: A Third Season of Full Metal Panic

Or at least give us more Haruhi films, to let us know you’re not broken beyond repair.

Not Donkey Kong

Fresh from an NBA game. Yes, that’s a racist joke.

Guillotine Gorilla (Samurai Flamenco)

Manglobe hasn’t exactly been the gift giver that we expect much out of. I mean, they have given us a rather good Michiko to Hatchin original work, but they also managed to make the Hayate no Gotoku franchise nearly unwatchable, so, yeah. As usual, they didn’t wrap their present with a lot of pizzazz, and like a polite child opening a present from their grandmother which is undoubtedly another sweater, we peeled the wrapping paper off neatly and set it in an organized pile on the floor. Inside the box was the DVD release of the Hollywood film Kick-Ass. Okay, that isn’t so bad. We kind of liked Kick-Ass actually, and were looking forward to the sequel (but, not enough to spend $10 in a theater, mind you), so we accepted the gift without much fanfare and thanked Manglobe for the thought.

Then we popped the DVD into the player and started watching it and found out it was actually The Island of Dr. Moreau! We tried to tell Manglobe that they had just made a terrible mistake and that we would actually like our Kick-Ass DVD because that at least wasn’t fucking terrible. Irritated, they handed us another Kick-Ass labeled DVD, which we were displeased to discover was actually a copy of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers Movie. Realizing we weren’t going to get what we wanted, we just put the DVD down on our coffee tables to be used as a viable coaster and flopped on the couch to watch Hancock instead.

Trade in for: H-Doujins of Marie and Goto (in uniform, of course)

Little slut was literally begging to be handcuffed for being a naughty girl. Wonder if she’d ask Santa for two big steaming lumps of “coal” on her chest…

Should I be delighted by this? Is it bad that I can recognize most of these boxes on sight?

Should I be delighted by this? Is it bad that I can recognize most of these boxes on sight?

Kyousuke’s final decision (OreImo)

Okay, we all already knew that THIS gift box contained the ending to the light novels, the only question was what that ending would be. Oh the anticipation! 5 years had gone by since Fushimi-sensei started the series about a brother and sister and their complicated relationship, and the conclusion was sure to be glorious! Like the main character Kirino whimsically playing one of her beloved imouto games, the giddiness of the collective fanbase reached a fever pitch. What would happen at the end? Would the writer choose one of the nubile young ladies he had met along the journey, or would he have the balls to go the incest route? Thanks to time zone differences between here and Japan, we got to get a little peak in the box before morning even came around. Inside we found….!

What is this, a Picasso? It’s like, all the forms of the wincest ending are here, and yet they’re all disjointed and disfigured as if they’re not here. So, what is this telling us? Did they get together? Did they not get together? He dumps all the other girls, and kisses Kirino, so that means she wins right? But they went back to just being brother and sister afterward, so she didn’t win, right? What is this bit afterward about continuing life lessons, some kind of vague hint? Is this, like, a “choose your own adventure” or something? Oh, hey! There’s a follow up bonus short! This should help! Nope… nope, just kind of doesn’t do anything related to the ending at all.

Well this sucks.

Trade in for: A gun to give to Manami

Hey, if Kirino got killed, that would at least have been an ending.

Teekyuu

Don’t blink! You’ll miss the entire episode!

Short anime

A Christmas Holiday tradition is to hang socks by a chimney with care

In hopes that someone would put some bite sized goodies in there

Considering that we’re putting gifts in something that normally holds feet

It shouldn’t be surprising that some gifts are less than elite

In some we find mermaids, foul mouthed and slutty

In others we find three girls, often disfigured and bloody

In some we find assassins who really aren’t mean

In others we find tennis players who need to lay off the caffeine

In some we find idols, and mountains, and a hero who croaks

In others we find nothing but overused jokes

It should be painfully obvious to all who have seen such a dinky show

That twenty-two minutes is really the way to go.

Trade in for: Commercials

In some cases, watching retarded Japanese ads would be more entertaining and would certainly make more sense than Teekyuu.

2 Responses to “2013 Returned Anime Christmas “Gifts”.”

  1. I never knew you watched Sparrow’s Hotel. It’s the best thing ever made.

  2. I thought it started out stupid and suddenly got better somewhere around the time the animation department also changed.

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